It's the New Style!

If you're wondering why you haven't been hearing much news out of Loose Nuts HQ these last few weeks, it's because we've abandoned our wheelbuilding initiative and began pouring our federal bailout money into a venture that will be more sustainable in these tough economic times: hair styling.  Here is a photo of one of our models showing off the flashy and upscale, yet decidedly derelicte look that our new pneumatic styling gun produces:

While the curmudgeons and retro-grouches of the Athens hair fashion scene may be reluctant to embrace this new oh-so-green innovation and abandon their gallons of ecologically hazardous products, dyes, and ear-gouging scissors, we have been promised a hefty sum of Obama-approved stimulus money to fund an infrastructure development program that will put the technology necessary for pneumatic styling within the reach of salon, barbershop, beauty parlor, stylist, and flo-bee owner in Athens and across Georgia. Naturally, the Halliburton of fashion houses, Mugatu Inc. has been contracted to carry out the necessary work.

This move will put thousands of unemployed poodles and stray cats to work, and will help preserve the lightness of Athens hairstyles for years to come.

Redneck Slumlords Unite!

Ok, so it took me a full day to recover from this pentathlon weekend do a point where I could form nearly coherent thoughts, but I'm mostly there on this foggy Tuesday. After sending my beer-soaked race kit of black jeans and Sunshine t-shirt to the cleaners, a full day at the shop, and plenty of alternating doses of coffee and sleep, I'm back in the land of the living. The crucial element in my recovery however, was a tapering program put together by Loose Nuts Minister of Health, Dr. Sanjay Gupta. Through meticulous research and scientific methodizing, Dr. Gupta has determined that you just can't quit drinking cold-turkey after a three-day blinding bender like the Pentathlon, you have to taper. There are receptors in your brain that NEED beer, and if you don't give it to them they will revolt, and like K. Sekai after a week without bike polo, you might just lose your shit altogether, or fall into a light coma/powernap. And, as horrible as that first beer sounded, he was right. If anyone else out there needs some help designing their own custom-tailored tapering schedule, Dr. Gupta has graciously allowed himself to be kidnapped, blindfolded and tied to a chair on the porch at the redneck slum formerly known as Loose Nuts HQ, with only one arm left free to hand beers up from the cooler full of icy cold water provided expressly for the purpose. But, as a high-profile TV doctor and U.S. Surgeon General designate, we are unsure how long Dr. Gupta will be available for consultation, so please act quickly.

As for the pentathlon itself, I would do myself a great disservice if I tried to recreate in words the awesomeness of this past weekend. It just can't be done. You had to see it to believe it, and if you weren't there you just straight missed out. Maybe when we were still in the thick of it, when the smell of beer in waterbottles still lingered, the frogs still flashed from trees and the crack of the mallets still echoed, I could have created a depiction of the heroism, savagery and pure mayhem that might have done justice to the truth of the matter, but now, with the powers of hindsight clouded by residual effects of drink and delirium, I find my powers of description unequal to the task. You'll hear all the stories anyway from those who survived, and the memories of those who did not will live on long after the worms have devoured their flesh.  

Pentathlon in the Books!

Phew, what a whirlwind. If anyone was checking back for pentathlon updates, I'm sorry to have disappointed. I had no chance at keeping up with the furious pace of events set by the Duke of the Mallet, K Sekai. The individual and team overalls were hotly contested, and to the victors went the spoils, and to everyone went the beers. Check back soon for a wrap-up story to cement legends and dole out appropriate amounts of glory to those that earned it.  

Event #1: 200m Sprints!

The much anticipated and often misunderstood misfit that is the Athens Bike Pentathlon kicked off Friday night in high-flying, big-ring-mashing, gear-grinding, beer-drinking, flaming hot shit style with the 200m Sprint competition, brought to you by Georgia Cycle Shorts and Scooters. A huge crowd lined the curbs of Harris St. in front of Loose Nuts HQ to watch the finals, and were treated to a display of head-to-head-to-head pedal mashing that was not only 3 Fast, but also 3 Furious.

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But, due to a pair of unexpected electronic meltdowns at Loose Nuts HQ, the meticulously worded spark of brilliance that was my original race report has been lost to the sands of time, and you don't just pull genius like that out of your ass. So, you don't get a ride report anymore and I hate the internet. Check malletsofathens.com for standings and information while I strangle myself with the a phone line.

The Bike Pentathlon Kicks Off!

Ladies and Gentlemen, start your engines! The long-awaited, much anticipated Athens Bike Pentathlon is off and running! If you're not on board now, it's not too late to catch up! Get to malletsofathens.com for all the info, and get out there.

Check back here for updates on times, standings, and other foolishness.

The the Loose Nuts ministry of information will be covering all the events, bringing you the real story, as it might have happened in some alternate universe where the beer is cheap, the roadies are only sometimes dorks, the trail riders aren't always smelly, the fixters actually ride their bikes and everyone gets along.

Or, only in Athens. Let's gittit on!